A couple of weeks ago, I was talking with Andrea, a friend from Chams. We were both in bloke mode, and had met up for a coffee and a chat.
We were discussing – amongst? other things – the concept of confidence. That strength of character, that both helps and drives you, to be, well, you. I think confidence, like cool or self-acceptance is that elusive something that’s easy to chase, but not so easy to find.
That intertwined with being out & about makes for an interesting ride. There’s the whole trans journey: dressing at home, getting online, making friends, wanting to get out, to be out. Out, with others, or going solo.
Whichever it is, there’s the nerves. That on edge feeling as you push yourself and go further. Either the controlled risk of being on social media, to being in public. I’ve heard people talk of a rush: is it the act of being brave, or the survival of the trip?
|Ready? Let’s go.|
We spoke about a long-ago meal in Leicester, where I had to walk back to the car park. Alone. Alone and at just before closing time. Funny thing was, all was fine when I was out with (trans) friends, but as it was time to go… Well, I’ve blogged about it before and ask you can do, is take a deep breath and step forward. Luckily, nighttime and distance helps a 6′ bloke when in a nice pink dress and heeled boots.
Andrea was kind enough to say I was okay at distance. We did share a chuckle about that. The trip back was thankfully uneventful, despite my nerves. Thing is, I’m only a part-timer: there’s those of our number who have to do this all the time.
But, like a ride down the BMX track, a jump from the diving board to the water; you survive. Plus, it feels good… At least, once the nerves have settled. Perhaps that’s the rush that pushes us on. Wanting to capture that feeling of being alive. That, or alive or all of yourself.
But, hey, maybe I’m just odd 😉 What about you dear reader, what drives you on? Fun? Adventure? Self-acceptance? Too much caffeine? 🙂