It has been a week of highs and lows this time around. The good news is that I had a very good night out at Chameleons. Unusually for me, I was ready fairly quickly and by luck or fortune, I felt okay about my outfit, rather than being plagued by self-doubt and second guessing.
We had a number of new visitors to the group, as well as some returning folk. One visitor would I guess be FTM – female to male, for those not down with the gibberish – if we’re going to play the label game. His female friend had come along for moral support and it was so good to see many of the group, rally round and offer support and to listen.
Much of what J had to say about feeling wrong (my words, not his), struggling with depression (as have many others in our group), even jealousy over people who are in the gender he prefers, not being able to be true…. all of these points rang bells for me and I could see as people talked, that they had similar stories. I guess, we might be on different paths, but we’re all on a very similar journey. All you can do is be there, listen and offer help if it’s wanted.
Now, in the handful of years I’ve been answering the group’s email, I think I can only recall about four emails from FTM folk, and the bulk of our membership is MTF (male to female). Three such emails have been this year alone, so I wonder if we’re seeing a change in society around this? I am hoping so, because I think it would be great to see the group’s support capability extend and stay relevant.
Conversation with J’s friend, who’s name I didn’t catch, sadly, was interesting too. I think what non-trans people have to say about how it might feel to be like us, and how they feel society is, is pertinent and often promotes polite discussion. Comments about what is normal? to their story of how they came to be involved.
I was going to mention work and how it’s become a…. bun fight, and that’s probably the politest way to describe it. [ delete delete delete ]. I am finding it very hard at the moment to remain positive and it’s really upsetting me. I’m trying to book a chat with the big boss (who is very rational and approachable) to see what can be done. I really don’t need this type of stress, but enough about this sh**, there are nicer things to think about.
While out on Thursday, a trans friend – I’ll spare her blushes – and I had a chat about what she’d been up to. These infrequent visits are accompanied by tales of this, that and the other: life sped up in some ways. Part of the chat, she said she checked this blog from time to time (waves) and asked why I blogged. Well, there is a question….. 🙂
Much of this blog is very mundane because life is like that. It’s slow, mostly quiet and there are thankfully, only occasional pips of drama to remind you of luck and accident. Hopefully, more of the good luck, than the other. I write about the everyday, well everyday-ish, because I don’t feel it would be accurate to only blog about super-exciting things all the time. Mind you, given how I live, there wouldn’t be a weekly post if I did that. 🙂
Another aspect is that by writing, I can explore my thoughts and…. now this will sounds nuts….. sort of have a conversation. Get my thoughts out there. That begs the question, if I’m only doing that for me: why make this blog public? Why not keep a diary?
I think a deeper truth is that this is one of those public-private things. Yes, this is a blog and yes it’s public, but it’s so buried in the noise of the Interwebs, that it just goes under the radar. Silly really, because if there’s one thing true about the Internet, other than there’s a site for every fetish, there’s not really any such thing as privacy. 🙂
There is also the aspects that I can ask you guys for advice, or I can write about a topic and you give it without me asking. That, I do like. I guess it comes back to my comment above about non-trans people at the group: I get to hear your story, what you think and feel. Sometimes you have a lot to say, sometimes you don’t and that’s fine.
Lastly, before I came out and I was struggling with who I was (and perhaps, even what I was), I read a number of other blogs. Becky’s World, Jo Angel, etc. Blogs that have since quietly slipped away for whatever reason. They may have gone, but for me, their positive message that it’s okay to be trans, stuck with me. I’ve said this here and at Chams: if I can do this trans stuff anyone can. There’s no special secret: you just need to believe in yourself. Now, go forth and be fabulous!