Do walk into the light


All is quiet at Jones Towers. The Ever Lovely Mrs J is out with the girls and Wee Man is having a stop over at Granny’s. Little Miss is fast on, having enjoyed a hot bath, after her school disco. She certainly has plenty of energy and our love of dancing. I took earplugs, because there are only so many times you can hear One Direction without wanting to chew your own hands off. 🙂

Talking of ears, my first set of posh earrings arrived today. I have also ordered some others for the Lovely Mrs J, as it’ll be our anniversary in a few weeks and stocking up for Xmas, isn’t a bad idea, either, IMO. Would Be Do Gooder Husband that I am, I try, and while having a *ahem* gender enhanced hubby may not be to everyone’s tastes: it does mean that when I’m sent shopping to buy Mrs J’s friend birthday gifts, I don’t return with an iron, or a red leather thong. Well, not unless that was on the list. We shall see how said gifts are received when my lovely wife comes home. Much as I love gift shopping, the slight touch of fear over ‘have I bought the right thing?’ is always there. Perhaps if I didn’t give a hoot, that wouldn’t be there, so maybe that’s a good thing?

It’s half term in a fortnight, so I’m on a mental countdown to a holiday. Hmm. Mental. Seems topical 😉 Work has… sadly got to me a little and after a few nights of poor sleep, I managed to get in touch with the Big Boss. Who, is, by the way, very pleasant and she’s not at all a Pointy Haired Boss – if you read Dilbert. No, those f***ers are all stuck in middle management 😛

We had a long chat about my working conditions and the issues around my job being changed from what I do, to more paper shuffling and box ticking – I won’t go into the gory details. She knows I’ve had a walk through the dark woods of depression; I make no secret of this if anyone asks me directly. I may be in the closet about being trans, yet oddly, I feel no stigma about having had a mental illness and having recovered from it. Sh** happens, as they say. 🙂

That figurative woodland is long behind me, but if I stare back far enough – to torture the analogy a little more – it will always be there. Sometimes my path takes me closer, more often, further away. This past week, I have walked under the branches and stared back into the depths. Felt the coldness of inaction and dare I say, the welcoming whispers that it would be okay to stay and wallow in the sadness for a time…. which is, a lie. There’s no comfort there. There’s no sunlight to penetrate the gloom. If you let walk yourself too long in its shadows, there’s a risk that the introspection begins and that, IMHO, is not a good thing. On comes the Second Guessing, the Reconsidering, the If Only…. Bad walking companions by all accounts; unhelpful guides that will only take you deeper. 🙂

So…. why do I raise the above? Well, other than to give me something to write about? 🙂 It was because it was raised in the meeting: how are you holding up? The truth? Not well, I replied. Some sleepless nights and I know the warning signs when I’m beginning to slip back. I also know that, ironically, keeping the right type of busy is best for me. I don’t want to be signed off, although I know that would be easy. The doctor offered me that in the past and I thanked him, before turning him down. I had only two days away from work when I was ill and that was only when things, were really, really bad.

Of course now, things are not like that and I am hopeful things will pick up. The conversation has cleared the air and again, maybe set things in motion for me and some of the people in my team too. So, my mental state has not been the best, but I didn’t sink back into the depths and the fight ain’t over yet.

I’m off to have a look at some little black dresses because it costs nothing to window shop. 😉

Look after yourselves,


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