Hello dear reader,
Well, I have faffed and messed around this evening. Hoping that by the delay, I will be blessed with a visit from the Muse – from a classical sense, not the band – and something interesting would pop into life between my ears.
That hasn’t happened. 🙂 I did toy with the idea of leaving today’s post until Saturday night, but I have a feeling that the same thing would happen again. I guess that’s how blogs wind down, not with a bang, but a whimper and all that. I should add that I’m not thinking of giving up just yet. When I do get my head around blogging, I do enjoy it. I’ve met some interesting folk through this collection of ups & downs and made some good friends too.
Yet, this evening, there is no great secret I wish to impart, nor any burning issue I feel I need to share with you.
Perhaps I have overdone it in the creativity department – as much as this stream of consciousness is creative – in that earlier in the week, I had a two ideas for some short stories. One a steampunk affair, the other something more modern but with a twist to add in a moral dilemma. With both, I had scenes that I wanted to write, but no beginning per say. Indeed, one of them, I had the ending imagined, but no start. I guess that’s part of the challenge. I mean, I do like to write, although most of the items aren’t that long and while I’ve tried my hand at the occasional short story competition, I’ve yet to get anything in return. Still, you keep trying don’t you.
Talking of trying, a few of the trans massive have been coming out to their parents (or are in the process of). I will, if I may, share with you where I stand on this. Oh, I should add that this next bit is all about yours truly. Firstly, ‘cos I’m a self obsessed trans blogger [/slight irony] but mainly because I feel I can only write about my own feelings, not those of others.
So with that disclaimer out of the way, I’ll say this: my folks don’t know about my trans status. Yes, I did tell Mum back in the (very distant) past when I was going through a rough patch as a teenager. But then, who doesn’t have a tough time being a teenager? Hell, if there’s an Elixir of Life, you can stick it unless I can start in my 20s. 😉
Skip on a few years and I was visiting home midway through University (well, polytechnic in my case) and I had my one and only purge. I hadn’t got a lot of clothes (a top or two, some shorts – it was the 90s, don’t ask 🙂 ), so they went to a charity shop and the rest was binned. I thought, perhaps naively, that I could put it all behind me and have a stint of ‘going straight’. Straight as in the criminal sense of the phrase. Hmm, that’s telling isn’t it. 🙂 What prompted the purge? Oh, me struggling with growing up and – if I can admit it to the Internet – seeing Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs. The character was such a monster (and well played by the actor), that I took…. Actually, I’m no longer 100%. I think the idea that BB was so messed up that it tapped into my own feelings of body image and even a fear of self-delusion. Yes, it was fiction and yes, I did know he was a character, yet a little bit of blade cut something deep (if that makes any sense). There I was, long haired grunger with combat boots and obligatory plaid shirt, yet inside…. not quite so macho. Ahh, the masks we wear eh? 😉
|“Two roads diverged in a yellow wood…”|
Skip on to post purge and I remember helping with the washing up with Mum (Ed: ever the good boy eh?). She asked me how things were going. The course wasn’t going well and either through a lack of academic ability – or perhaps more accurately, a lack of personal drive / confidence – deep down, I knew I wasn’t going to finish the year on a good note. Ahh, failing to prepare equals preparing to fail? Who can say. 😛
Anyhoo, I remember trying to be so matter-of-fact and saying to my Mum that I’d had a chuck out. “Oh? What do you mean?” Cue the nod and the y’know look and she seemed so happy. For a while, so was I, but…. well, we know how this one plays out don’t we boys and girls. 🙂 I think I lasted six months or so, but the feelings didn’t go away : just the mechanism to allow myself a little Lynn time (not that I had another name then).
I remember the look of relief on her face and no, I do not hold any grudge against her for that. She had her reasons and because of that, I’ve not told her (or Dad) otherwise. Lying by omission as a friend said? Yes. Will I tell them? No, I don’t think I will. I think if I did, I would worry that they’d start worrying about its [my dressing up / occasional depression ] affect on the relationship the Ever Lovely Mrs Jones share and how it could affect the kids.
Does this mean I think other folks shouldn’t tell their parents? No, not in the slightest. What works for me, is (so far) working for me and my life is not your life. Do what you need to do to get through it. If you feel the need to share, good luck to you. I think you’re very brave. Likewise, if you decide to keep it all quiet, I can dig that too.
[ Today’s quote is not a lyric, but a line from Robert Frost’s The Road Not Taken ]