“Jump back and forth,
And feel like you were there yourself,
Work it out…”

Hey all,

There are times when I feel I’ve got plenty I want to say, but I’m not quite sure how to start. Maybe it’s procrastination, or that the thoughts flutter around my head so quickly, I can’t quite decide which one I should try and grasp first. Okay… deep breath and focus 🙂

This week’s been good. I’ve been for a check up and despite the dip from last time, the mood sine wave – as the doctor said – seems to be settling to something all the more typical. Less dips, which I think can only be a good thing. Let’s hope the tablets keep things on the straight and narrow. The drop in the the searing summer heat may also have helped a little. Sure, it’s still been lovely and sunny, but not that baking heat we had earlier in the month. In other small joys, I fell upon a lovely bright blue nail varnish from Rimmel. Little things eh? 😉

Thursday saw the Chameleons Summer Party in full swing. Lots of folk turned up and there was plenty of good company, tunes and food. We opted to repeat the idea of having a big Chinese meal and, again, it went really well (Props to Tracey & Sandi for the organisation!). Sophie, Tracey and Alison gave us the goss on what happened at Sparkle. I found that very interesting: what they go up to, visits, the event itself, a few choice sights, etc. I did manage to find a cable to hook my laptop up to the stereo system, so the music kept on coming. For some reason though, perhaps it was the late summer evening or me feeling tired, I just didn’t feel like a dance. Still, I think the others may have preferred the room being quieter 🙂 There will be other times to cut some rug. While the photo backdrop didn’t make an appearance, as we were rushed for time, there was time to grab a few shots of the Chams Crew.

Later as I got changed, one of the girls – and I shall spare her name – came in very upset. I think that there are times when you – and I mean ‘I’ in this context – need to shut up, put your own issues aside and just be there for other people. I mean, my friends at Chams have been there for me when I’ve found life hard going, so it’s only right and proper that I do the same. Besides, the lady in question is a good friend of mine and seeing someone that upset really hits you in the heart.

I think this is the one bit of being trans that I dislike: that it can upset other people, particularly the ones closest to us; our partners (Ed: Wives & Girlfriends sounds too Footballers’ Wives). There are times when what I do (trans-wise) upsets the Ever Lovely Mrs Jones. I think she does her very best to be understanding, but hell, I don’t understand it fully! Even thought I’ve felt like this for as long as I can remember. Nowadays, I’m mostly alright about it. Why mostly? Because sometimes I overindulge and that causes upset.

There are cliches (or tropes?) that we go though. The talk about a magic tablet that would make you ‘normal’. Although, I think that being trans is natural, we’re just slightly different from your stereotyped bloke portrayed in popular culture. Besides, normal is a relative term I think 😉 The other one is, and I think this is before you come out to your partner: what if she (or he even) says you have to choose between dressing up or them.

Honestly, I don’t think you can chose. Being trans, it goes right through who you are. It’s not just about the clothes or your appearance. It changes your behaviour on a fundamental level. Can you stop being who you are? Honestly, and hand on heart time: no, no I don’t think you can stop that. Maybe you could bottle it all up and stop dressing, but I think the feelings will be with you… always 😉 Now where have I heard that before? 😀 I know a few people who’ve gone cold turkey, to coin another phrase, but it rarely ends well. It certainly didn’t work for me, but maybe it’ll be different for you. Thing is though, is being trans a bit like the opening line from Satan by Orbital: Well son, the funny thing about regret is… Is it better to be yourself and ride out the good & the bad with those you love (Ed: slings, arrows, outrageous fortune, etc) or to live as others think you should, only dabbling here & there… or maybe not at all? Answers on a postcard to the usual address.

Take care,

[ Today’s lyric: Dare by The Gorillaz ]


  1. Sorry- no answer; but I agree with your final paragraph 100%. This is who we are, we can be no other way. Sure, pausing, purging, resolutions, promises to stop all work for a short while- but ultimately they fail. After a while I learned to go with the flow; the honest response to an ultimatum (for me) is that I won't promise something I know I cannot deliver. Perhaps others are stronger.

  2. Also no answer… But if someone had the magical pill would you even take it? I've always said no – it would be a fundamental change to who I am. Mrs Stace may not like Stacy, but would she like a non Stacy me any more??? She did fall in love with my personality, even if she didn't know the gender behind it.


  3. " … It changes your behaviour on a fundamental level.."

    Right you are dear Lynn, and I think that most would agree the change is for the better.

    As far as normal goes, for me, life has been characterized by a desire to not be normal. Normal has never much impressed me.

    I that that "normal" comes at a price. Normal may be untroubled, but normal does not often touch real heights of beauty, experience, sensation & etc.

    Glad to know that the sine waves are smoothing out. And loving your sandals.


  4. Claire: Maybe that's the best way: go for honesty over what people want to hear. Difficult to do initially, but possibly better long term? Who can say. 🙂

    Stace: Very true. Mrs Jones said a similar thing to me after we'd been together for a while.

    ps: I'm wondering how I can get in the gag "Doing a Stace?" 😉

    Petra: Part of me wonders what 'I' would be like if the Hormone Fairy hadn't sprinkled my brain with magic trans dust. More technical, able to read a map, double park, but be lost in the art of shopping, accessorising and an interest in childcare? 🙂

    Despite the odd dip here and there, I'm glad I've had the chance to walk this road. I've met some good souls along the way and life certainly hasn't been dull.

    ps: Ta re: the sandals. Heeled and yet comfy. They were also in the sale. What a find!

  5. If someone asks you to choose between them, and who you are, they obviously don't love you for who you are. (Or possibly don't understand the full implications of what they are asking)

    I feel blessed that my current partner is accepting. Actually I think she finds the whole thing very entertaining, and who am I to stop her fun? 😀

    I think it helps that she knew before we stated dating.

  6. Pandora: Glad to hear that you're both cool with it. Telling all before hand is probably for the best. Ahh, the wonder of 20/20 hindsight eh? 😉

  7. I have wondered whether there is a switch but If one could change would one like the person you become or would he (sic) become a sort of mr Hyde type figure (but not automatically with the murderings and stuff). It is one of the factors that make us who we are. But im sure many still would want to try it.

  8. Lucy: That's a good question. How different would we be without the trans elements and all that goes with them? I think that's going down the whole Philip K Dick route of 'who are you?' 🙂

    BTW, where you really up at 3 am? 🙂

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