Good week? Mine’s been mixed. Don’t get me wrong, everyone is in good health and the Bad Luck Fairy has been elsewhere too. All good stuff… and yet… I’m rather worn out. I’m fairly sure it wasn’t the mowing from t’other night, nor the long trek we took for lunch today. No, it’s more that mental weariness that can sometimes creep up on you. Maybe a weekend of visiting friends & family and the local park is just what I need. Let the mental muscles relax for a bit and see if that helps.
A few days ago I had the vague thoughts towards a blog post and as I daydreamed my way though it in the car, it now seems to have drifted out of my head and away to where ever thoughts go to bask in the summer sunshine (Ed: would that be the sky then?). The subject in question started off as I’ve been playing through a few of the 80s tracks in the car – well, after the fun & games from last week, I was in the mood for a spot of retro.
As Frankie Goes to Hollywood stormed through my little car’s speakers, my thoughts drifted back to how it was… or perhaps more accurately: how I remember how it was. That’s the thing with nostalgia, I’m fairly sure the truth of history gets washed out by recollection. There I was trying to peer around rather than through the rose tinted spectacles, I looked back at my teenage years. It’s a confusing mess if I’m honest and seemingly only small fragments jump out at me. I seem to recall being embarrassed quite a lot, although that may just be emotion attached to memory and if you learn by your mistakes, I should write a book 🙂
I remember the sage advice (Ed: she means ‘cod’ more like) of “school days are the best days of your life.” I’ll say this now and I’ll say it loud – well, if you can be loud with the written word – never have I heard such a crock of sh**! 🙂 As a young kid I had no frame of reference and I’d wonder Is that true? It is really downhill from now on? 🙂 Chuck that into a heady brew of teenage hormones and struggling over the whole growing up trans, it didn’t help my mood. It did get the better of me and after a tearful coming out to my Mum, I went to see the quack about my feelings (which I think I’ve talked about before).
That brings me round to a question a good friend asked me the other day. I’ll spare her blushes, BTW. She asked: Do you enjoy being transgender? Skip back 25 years I think the answer would have been 95% no and 5% yes. That 5% would be the short guilt-free part I had when I managed to get some dressing done. As others have said, you tidy up, clean yourself up and then the guilt comes in. What have I done? Why am I doing this? Where will it end? Etc.
But now, and with all honesty, I’d say a resounding yes (Ed: you smug mare!). Okay, I have the occasional dip, but that’s the way it goes. Life is up and down. Honestly, while it’s not been a complete walk in the park (Ed: ooo, the click of high heels outside), I’m now happy with who I am. I suppose it helps having a wonderful wife like the Ever Lovely Mrs Jones and also a good set of trans friends. I’m fairly sure I wouldn’t have got here without their assistance, so I remain grateful and I hope that in some small way, by helping out at Chams I’m doing the same for other folk too.
[ Today’s lyric: I Want Out by Helloween. If I had a soundtrack to my teenage years, I’m pretty sure they’d figure heavily. That and Banarama, 808 State and Ned’s Atomic Dustbin 😉 Angry middle-class white kid, what a cliche 😀 I wonder how many metallers are also trans? It certainly gave me an excuse to grow my hair long 🙂 ]