“Thoughts arrive like butterflies,
Oh, he don’t know, so he chases them away”

Hi there,

Good weekend? I hope so. It’s been a bit rainy, but hey, at least the lawn won’t have karked it eh?

How much do you hold back? I don’t mean biting your tongue or leaving out life’s minutae; more… self censorship. There’s been a couple of occasions with this blog, although it happens more on comments I leave with others, where I’ll re-read what I’ve put, re-do it, only then to delete that too. Is it a lack of confidence, not wanting to offend or just that one’s own jokes frequently look rather flat? I’m just not sure.

I also tend to find myself rambling (Ed: No sh**!) where a person’s post will filter through my mind, pinging off new thoughts as I’m typing a reply. If I don’t get what I want to say down early, my reply starts to make less and less sense – especially if I start to diliberate over it.

I guess it goes back to something I feel I’ve posted before: that sometimes there’s so much going on in my head – like a riot of butterflies – that it’s difficult to nail down any one particular thought and go with that.

Then there are the posts you don’t make. Intimate and personal things that are best left between partners and friends. Not so much dirty laundry, but stuff you don’t want to share. The latter could sound sappy or exclude people outside that cicrle and I’m not big on cliques.

I did the censorship thing the other night. Stephanie had posted her feelings and a number of us had responded: messages containing questions and/or support. After reading her response to those, I had a creative burst and blogged about that.

But… it just didn’t feel right. I don’t know if it was too invasive (I’d copied text from Stephanie’s blog); too personal (you don’t want to accidentally put your foot in it) or just too me-me-me. Yeah, I know this is a blog where the key theme is me, but if I’m honest, I’d rather talk about matters that promote discussion. Ironically, I don’t post very frequently to the trans forums.

[time passes]

Now I’ve re-written what I’ve put down and tweaked the odd word here and there. Having re-read it, I now look at it and wonder ‘why am I posting this? What am I trying to say?’ The delete button hovers to the right of my little finger, yet I hold off, stuck in contemplation. I’ll put this in draft for now. It’s good to have a bit of filler to fall back on eh? 🙂

[ Update, well, it’s made it out of draft 🙂 Also, Google have updated their Analytics system. The new one’s rather impressive. ]

[ Update 2: Seeing as I seem to post using another’s words, credit is in order. Today’s title comes from Pearl Jam’s Even Flow. Two Hornby points if you got it! 🙂 ]


  1. Erm, what are you are you trying to say? What do any of us try and say?

    Blogging is, by and large, the modern equivalent of the old diary / journal. But whereas that would have been private – remember the one you kept as a child that no one was allowed to see? – this is semi public – public that is to those who know where to look.

    The writings will not always makes sense, but the end justifies the means in so far as its your thoughts, presented how you want the world to see them with, hopefully, minimal constraint.

    And I’m not sure I know what I mean in tying this…

  2. Because they are only words. . . without inflection, without tone of voice, without facial expression, it’s hard to feel you are actually saying what you mean to say. If we said they same things in an actual conversation, over a glass of wine or cup of coffee alot of that uncertainty would be cleared away. I go through very little writing, start to finish, without any self editing. But most of it I agonize more than a little bit over.
    As for worrying about your subject being too me-me-me, well who’s the best authority on you? You know you better than anyone else ever will. I can’t speak for anyone else but me, but my motivation for blogging, commenting, etc is to investigate what matters to me ( which is sometimes unclear) and how that relates to others. I too like discussion, though I haven’t figured out how to “make” that happen on demand. I’ve no experience with any tranny forums, but I used to post on a photography one a couple of years ago. It always seemed to be focused on either technical superiority, or one-up-manship. It got pretty boring.
    What’s really nice about blogs is they have alot more individual feel to them. Different paces, different tones, different subjects. And yet connected.
    Maybe all you’re trying to say is that you’re trying to say something you can’t quite define yet. Kind of what I feel every time I click the publish button. 🙂

  3. I know what you mean. Unfortunately, I don’t do enough self-censorship and consequently I’ve revealed far too much of myself online this past year and a half. It makes me cringe sometimes.

    I have to say, though, I’m very curious as to what you were going to post. Go on, you can tell me. Just whisper it into my ear…

    “I’d copied text from Stephanie’s blog” – Oh, you do realise there is a charge for that even if you don’t use the text? I’m preparing an invoice right now :-p

  4. Jessica, I feel that a blog can be diary, but it can also be more if you are lucky. Sometimes a diary is just a record of what’s going on in your life. Whereas a blog, others can join in and add their wisdom, support or wit to the mix.

    Emma, I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. When I read back what I’ve put, I could see it as an open question to friends, or maybe even the back page filler from a Sunday magazine. The bit where they try and leave you with something to think about. 🙂

    More accurately – or honestly? – sometimes I write/blog for the sake of it. It feels good to get thoughts out of your head and done on paper (so to speak).

    Discussion is fickle and I do not think it can be courted. I forget where I read it, but someone once said that you should write what you like, do not try to court an auidence. They’ll see through that in a moment. Not that I’m an old hand, but it takes time for your blog to be found. Take a rummage throught the archives and you’ll see very few comments at the start.

    Mind you, you’ve just been name checked by Becky, so expect the traffic to ramp up.

    Stephanie, it may make you cringe, but it makes fascinating reading for the rest of us, honey! 🙂

    A charge you say? The cheque’s in the mail (Great Lies of Western Civilisation, number 6).

    So what did I put? I have it still in the drafts section… although it’s had too much of a build up and a dose of CTRL X shock and awe to publish now. :-

    Basically I was following up on your (kind) comment about feeling inspired by those with a sane sorted out fun approach to be a tranny – I paraphrase, so hopefully a reduced charge this time. 😛

    Fun, yes? On the whole, yes, I think so. I try and take it as it comes. I’ve had the heartache, but haven’t we all at some time? I try to look on the bright side because to always look upon the negatives would just do my head in. I enjoy chocolate and music but I don’t over-analyse those pleasures.

    Reading other people’s blogs can be inspiring and I’m deeply touched that you included me in that statement. I would not have this approach if I hadn’t have had the support of H (top wifey!) nor help from Maddie, the girls from Chams (particularly Sandi & Tracy) and to a large extent, the folk who take the time to engage on this blog.

    So… there you go, and oddly, I’ve not editted that reply!

  5. Lynn, you’ll have to fill me in on The Great Lies list, since we’re only taught three in America, and #6 is #2 there.
    I second everything you wrote in your reply. I haven’t really been too concerned about trying to generate anything with my blog. I’ve really been very pleasantly surprised at actually engaging even a few people at the start. I had expected to have to wait 6 months or so before people found me and began to respond.

    You are certainly right about Becky’s endorsement. This morning I logged on and was stunned by my blog views stats. I might have to fly to the UK just to kiss her shoe (or is that ring?). I can’t think of how else to thank her.

    You’re right about having to be who you are though. You can’t tailor yourself to suit anyone if it costs you yourself. Isn’t that lesson number 1 in our TG handbooks?

    @ Stephanie: I really like your blog, pricisely because it is YOUR blog. Lynn’s right about it being fascinating reading, at least for me as well.

    @Lynn: I don’t mind you asking. I’ve already added the answer beneath your comment. But you’ll have to make another visit to read it. Just kidding. I lived most of my life in the US in NJ and in NYC.

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